The Science Behind Happy Relationships
题材：科普类
出处：Time Magazine 《时代杂志》
字数：863 words
[1] When it comes to relationships, most of us are winging it. We’re exhilarated by the early stages of love, but as we move onto the general grind of everyday life, personal baggage starts to creep in and we can find ourselves floundering in the face of hurt feelings, emotional withdrawal, escalating conflict, insufficient coping techniques and just plain boredom. There’s no denying it: making and keeping happy and healthy relationships is hard.
【当涉及到关系时，我们大多数人都是随遇而安。处在恋爱早期的我们非常兴奋，但当我们接触到日常生活中的琐碎事情后，个人感情包袱开始产生，我们会发现自己在面对感情伤害、情感退缩、冲突升级、应对技巧不足和纯粹的无聊时陷入困境。不可否认的是：建立和保持快乐、健康的关系是困难的。】
【重点词汇】
wing it 临时应付
exhilarate /ɪɡˈzɪləreɪt/ v. 使高兴;使兴奋
grind /ɡraɪnd/ n. 苦差事 v. 磨碎;碾碎
creep /kriːp/ v. 悄悄地缓慢前进 n. 讨厌鬼
flounder /ˈflaʊndə(r)/ v. 陷入困境
withdrawal /wɪðˈdrɔːəl/ n. 撤走;撤回
escalate /ˈeskəleɪt/ v. (使)逐步扩大;恶化
[2] But a growing field of research into relationships is increasingly providing science-based guidance into the habits of the healthiest, happiest couples — and how to make any struggling relationship better. As we’ve learned, the science of love and relationships boils down to fundamental lessons that are simultaneously simple, obvious and difficult to master: empathy, positivity and a strong emotional connection drive the happiest and healthiest relationships.
【但是，越来越多的关系研究领域正在为最健康、最幸福的夫妇之间的习惯提供基于科学的指导，以及如何使所有挣扎的关系变得更好。正如我们所了解到的，爱情和关系的科学可以归结为既简单、明显又难以掌握的基本经验：同理心、积极性和强烈的情感联系促使形成最幸福和最健康的关系。】
【重点词汇】
boil sth. down (to sth.) 概括，归纳
simultaneously /ˌsɪm(ə)lˈteɪniəsli/ adv. 同时地
empathy /ˈempəθi/ n. 同感，共鸣
[3] “The most important thing we’ve learned, the thing that totally stands out in all of the developmental psychology, social psychology and our lab’s work in the last 35 years is that the secret to loving relationships and to keeping them strong and vibrant over the years, to falling in love again and again, is emotional responsiveness,” says Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist in Ottawa and the author of several books, including Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
【渥太华的临床心理学家、多本书其中包括《抱紧我：爱一生的7种对话》的作者苏·约翰逊道：“我们学到的最重要的东西，也是在过去35年所有发展心理学、社会心理学和我们实验室工作中非常显眼的东西是：亲密关系以及长期维系这些关系，使其充满活力，以及一次又一次地坠入爱河的秘密是情感回应”。】
【重点词汇】
stand out 显眼;突出
responsiveness /rɪˈspɒnsɪvnəs/ n. 反应
[4] That responsiveness, in a nutshell, is all about sending a cue and having the other person respond to it. “The 99 million question in love is, ‘Are you there for me?’” says Johnson. “It’s not just, ‘Are you my friend and will you help me with the chores?’ It’s about emotional synchronicity and being tuned in.”
【这种回应，简而言之，就是发送一个提示并让对方做出回应。约翰逊说：“爱情中9900万个问题是，‘你会在我身边吗?’”“这不仅仅是说‘你是我的朋友，你会帮我做家务吗?’这是关于情感上的同步和体谅”。】
【重点词汇】
in a nutshell 简而言之
chore /tʃɔː(r)/ n. 日常事务;例行工作
synchronicity /ˌsɪŋkrəˈnɪsəti/ n. 同步性;同时发生
tune /tjuːn/ v. 调音;调整
tune in to sb/sth 理解，体谅(他人的思想感情等)
[5] “Every couple has differences,” continues Johnson. “What makes couples unhappy is when they have an emotional disconnection and they can’t get a feeling of secure base or safe haven with this person.” She notes that criticism and rejection — often met with defensiveness and withdrawal — are exceedingly distressing, and something that our brain interprets as a danger cue.
【 “每对夫妇都有差异”, 约翰逊继续说：“使夫妻不快乐的原因是，当他们有了情感上的裂痕，他们无法在对方身上获得安全感。” 她认为批评和拒绝——通常会遇到抵抗和回避——是极其痛苦的，也是被我们大脑认定为危险的东西。】
【重点词汇】
haven/ˈheɪvn/ n. 保护区;避难所
defensiveness /dɪˈfensɪvnəs/ n. 防御
distressing /dɪˈstresɪŋ/ adj. 使人痛苦的
[6] To foster emotional responsiveness between partners, Johnson pioneered Emotionally Focused Therapy, in which couples learn to bond through having conversations that express needs and avoid criticism. “Couples have to learn how to talk about feelings in ways that brings the other person closer,” says Johnson.
【为了促进伴侣之间的情感回应，约翰逊开创了情感聚焦疗法。在这种疗法中，夫妻通过交流来表达需求、规避指责。约翰逊说：“夫妻必须学会以能够拉近对方的方式来谈论感情”。】
【重点词汇】
pioneer /ˌpaɪəˈnɪə(r)/
[7] Keeping things positive
According to Carrie Cole, director of research for the Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to the research of marriage, emotional disengagement can easily happen in any relationship when couples are not doing things that create positivity. “When that happens, people feel like they’re just moving further and further apart until they don’t even know each other anymore,” says Cole. That focus on positivity is why the Gottman Institute has embraced the motto “small things often.” The Gottman Lab has been studying relationship satisfaction since the 1970s, and that research drives the Institute’s psychologists to encourage couples to engage in small, routine points of contact that demonstrate appreciation.
【保持积极
致力于婚姻研究的组织戈特曼研究所的研究主任卡莉·科尔认为，当夫妻双方都不做积极处理时，无论何种关系，都容易导致情感出现问题。“当出现这种情况时，人们会觉得彼此渐行渐远，直到他们甚至不再了解对方，”科尔说。这种对积极性的关注是戈特曼研究所提倡 “勿以事小而不为”这一格言的原因。自20世纪70年代以来，戈特曼实验室一直在研究关系满意度，这项研究促使该研究所的心理学家鼓励夫妻双方进行能表达各自欣赏之情的日常交流。】
【重点词汇】
disengagement /ˌdɪsɪnˈɡeɪdʒmənt/ n. (从活动、组织或争端中的)脱离
motto /ˈmɒtəʊ/ n. 格言
[8] One easy place to start is to find ways to compliment your partner every day, says Cole—whether it’s expressing your appreciation for something they’ve done or telling them, specifically, what you love about them. This exercise can accomplish two beneficial things: First, it validates your partner and helps them feel good about themselves. And second, it helps to remind you why you chose that person in the first place.
【科尔说，找到每天赞美伴侣的方法是一个不错的开始——无论是表达你对他们所做的事情的赞赏，还是具体告诉他们你喜欢他们什么。这种做法有两个好处：首先，它肯定了你的伴侣，帮助他们获得良好的自我感觉。其次，它有助于提醒你为什么你开始选择了这个人。】
【重点词汇】
compliment /ˈkɒmplɪment/ v. 赞美
validate /ˈvælɪdeɪt/ v. 证实;确认
[9] Listen to the brain, not just your heart
When it comes to the brain and love, biological anthropologist and Kinsey Institute senior fellow Helen Fisher has found — after putting people into a brain scanner — that there are three essential neuro-chemical components found in people who report high relationship satisfaction: practicing empathy, controlling one’s feelings and stress and maintaining positive views about your partner.
【不仅仅倾听内心，也要遵从大脑
谈到大脑和爱情，生物人类学家和金赛研究所高级研究员海伦·费舍尔在对人类大脑进行扫描后发现，对关系表示满意的人身上发现了三种基本的神经化学成分：拥有同理心、控制自己的感情和压力以及保持对伴侣的积极看法。】
【重点词汇】
anthropologist /ˌænθrəˈpɒlədʒɪst/ n. 人类学家
scanner /ˈskænə(r)/ n. 扫描仪
component /kəmˈpəʊnənt/ n. 组成部分
[10] In happy relationships, partners try to empathize with each other and understand each other’s perspectives instead of constantly trying to be right. Controlling your stress and emotions boils down to a simple concept: “Keep your mouth shut and don’t act out,” says Fisher. If you can’t help yourself from getting mad, take a break by heading out to the gym, reading a book, playing with the dog or calling a friend — anything to get off a destructive path. Keeping positive views of your partner, which Fisher calls “positive illusions,” are all about reducing the amount of time you spend dwelling on negative aspects of your relationship. “No partner is perfect, and the brain is well built to remember the nasty things that were said,” says Fisher. “But if you can overlook those things and just focus on what’s important, it’s good for the body, good for the mind and good for the relationship.”
【在幸福的关系中，伴侣试图与对方共情，理解对方的观点，而不是不断地试图做对。控制你的压力和情绪可以归结为一个简单的概念：“闭上你的嘴，不要表露出来，”费舍尔说。如果你无法控制自己的情绪，那就去健身房休息一下，读一本书，和狗狗玩耍，或者打电话给朋友——做任何可以避免破坏性的事情。对你的伴侣保持积极的看法，费舍尔称之为“积极的幻想”，是为了减少你花在感情消极方面的时间。“没有完美的伴侣，而大脑天生就会记住对方说过的坏话，”费舍尔说。“但如果你能忽略这些事情，只关注重要的事情，这对身体、精神和关系都有好处。”】
【重点词汇】
empathize /ˈempəθaɪz/ v. 有同感;产生共鸣
gym/dʒɪm/ n. 健身房;体育馆
dwell on sth. 老是想着，唠叨
nasty/ˈnɑːsti/ adj. 极差的;令人厌恶的
[11] Happier relationships, happier life
Ultimately, the quality of a person’s relationships dictates the quality of their life. “Good relationships aren’t just happier and nicer,” says Johnson. “When we know how to heal [relationships] and keep them strong, they make us resilient. All these clichés about how love makes us stronger aren’t just clichés; it’s physiology. Connection with people who love and value us is our only safety net in life.”
【更快乐的关系，更快乐的生活
归根结底，一个人的关系质量决定了他们的生活质量。“良好的关系不仅仅让人更快乐和更美好，”约翰逊说：“当我们知道如何愈合[关系]并且维系它们时，它们能使我们更适应(这些关系)。所有这些关于爱如何使我们更强大的陈词滥调并不只是陈词滥调;它是生理机能。与喜爱和重视我们的人的联系是我们生活中唯一的安全网”。】
【重点单词】
dictate /dɪkˈteɪt/ v. 口述;支配
resilient /rɪˈzɪliənt/ adj. 有弹性的;复原的
physiology /ˌfɪziˈɒlədʒi/ n. 生理学
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